Sunday, March 28, 2004

and now that im coming home rather soon, i dont knoe if i wanna. when the day finally comes, i would have waited more than 7 weeks for that very one day. eagerly anticipating and crossing out each day on my calendar eagerly. and now that that day is so damn near, maybe i dont wanna go home. maybe its not my time and place yet. 7 weeks, i dont even miss you people much, and you people probably dont miss me much. and well, maybe i'll be better of staying here. everyone whos staying is going up to gold coast and thats one of my dreams man...surfing...
and well maybe i cant handle somethings i see when i get back..and i dont knoe how i'll react, seeing im all hot tempered and stuff...
but then again, why am i being so bitter. i do miss lots of people.owen azad adam shumin tania titus swong freddy sarahann min laura wayne rach and a few more people who i cant seem to think of. forgive me cos i just woke up alrite? and of cos i have to see genxian again, my best fren for most part of my secondary school life. genxian doesnt even knoe what a blog is(haha i think so la) but i have to say i miss him so much and memories of last year when a few of us spent almost everyday together,studying or playing, are still fond in my heart and never fail to bring at least a tear in my eye cos i honestly miss those days.
and the one person i wanna see the most, and all of you guessed wrong! nah not her... but my bestest of bestest frens, eric chang. gosh its been awhile since i last saw you..have you gotten better looking? i hope not cos otherwise the girls out in town wont be looking at me man. but if theres one reason why im going back this hols, its cos eric will kill me if i dont. just the prospect of seeinig eric once again is enough to fight away all the apprehensions of seeing things i dont wanna see when i get back.
so eric, the trees are swaying and the tram is bloody noisy. see you in a week's time.

~~lights off, pyjamas on~~
11:04 AM

Thursday, March 25, 2004

haha quote of the day by edwin

"THE BALL IS HERE!"(when the girl i liked walked past)
and believe me i think she noticed haha

~~lights off, pyjamas on~~
9:23 PM

haha its 630 am in the morning and guess why im awake? cos i had a stupid stomachache which woke me up at 530 then i realised i had a sore throat but that i didnt have any water so i went down to 7 eleven yo buy water and then i came back up and made myself cup noodles.
so now im stuck here digesting my noodles and what else do i find myself doing but BLOGGING! so today is my second entry in my series of memories from the past.
our second date:1 december 2003.monday.well she had promised to watch a movie with me and we were planning to watch duplex but she had to leave early so we instead watched master and commander at 645pm. yes in case youre wondering why i can remember all this? i still have the ticket stubs :)
yes and she was late! so like i bought the tickets and i was at macs buying ice cream and i turned around to leave when she appeared from behind. haha she was all dressed in black! and you knoe how her hair is jet black! it was kwite scary at first but nonetheless, she looked amazing(ok i knoe youre tired of hearing me say it everytime but i want to ok!). haha yeah and i remember i had dyed my hair a few days before so haha i had a hard time convincing her that it looked nice. yesyes then we couldnt decide where to go cos we still had half an hour more so we walked all the way to outside borders to get her orange julius and the all the way back to lido. of cos she met her fren so blah blah chatter chatter we reached nicely in time for our movie.
yeah so like haha we watched it and it was a pretty good show! haha yeah and she was awfully cute during the gruesome parts, covering her eyes like a little girl in a horror show. haha but it was a pretty cool feeling having her feel a lil scared and you like next to her? haha yeah im sure you knoe what i mean.
haha yeah and then after that she had a party to go for so i waited with her at lido taxi stand where she met her friends and they all cabbed down together, and i went home, quite a smitten young boy.
haha as you can see, im not exactly giving very detailed accounts cos this was all last year! but i kept a few major details out. haha she reads this so she would knoe what im talking about.
hey.i didnt tell them where you went to twice(oh haha i forgot, you had to answer a call?). haha yeah and also, galapagos yeah? :) this is the only way i'll talk to u la, it saves alot of pain and i hope you understand. take care alrite.

~~lights off, pyjamas on~~
3:39 AM

Tuesday, March 23, 2004

tania and i were talking about how memories are so damn awesome, reminding you of a time when things were different and also remind you of a time which you'll never see again. haha yeah so today, i shall just write about the different things i have reminisced about. its awfully personal but since only my frens read my blog, i guess it wont hurt to write it la.
haha 3rd january 2003.friday.2nd day of school and i asked her out for the gazillionth time and she finally agreed. haha yeah i had 2 tickets to an acjc band concert, but the barker and independant bands were also playing 3 pieces together so i went to watch my frens play,seeing that i was from band up till the end of sec3.
yeah so it was held at the esplanade and i arranged to meet her around seven twenty. haha i remember everything exactly. yeah and guess what, i got there at six forty five! haha gosh cos neither of us knew the way to esplanade from city hall mrt so like i went there early and i like walked around until i found my way there, and then i walked all the way back. so i reached there exactly on time and waited awhile more and there she was. haha shucks i cant remember what she wore but she i remember she looked gorgeous. yeah so i gave her her xmas/birthday present cos her birthday was just a week ago? yeah so we walked to esplanade.
haha gosh i was SO SO SO SO SO damn nervous i hardly talked. she said i only said 3 things that nite:'how are you','hows school' and 'hows your new teachers'. haha well thats not exactly true im sure i said more than that!
haha well never go to a band concert for a first date cos it was awfully boring! yeah we both were almost falling asleep and we were like,"is it over yet?". hahaha yeah but soon enough it was over.
and i wanted to ask her out for supper but she kinda said her mum was fetching her so i was like alrite. well i was disappointed but that nite was already too much i couldnt believe it happened. i mean at the start of sec4, i was still awfully low profile, and for HER to go out with me! i mean she was awfully famous and well known and i was this small fry man. haha yeah so thats basically the story about my first date.
it happened more than a year ago haha but this just reminds me of a time when things were fine and i still hadnt screwed up. about a time when i probably still had a chance. in short, better times. :)

~~lights off, pyjamas on~~
9:17 PM

Monday, March 22, 2004

2nd time i ever had a full length dream of 'her'. this time it was even better than the one back in january. yeah this time it started out very unrealistic and me not believing it was her. i thought it was someone in disguise or something stupid like that.
but it proceeded to get better and better and the part i liked best was when i asked her remember our first date and we both laughed about it cos it waas horrible and then she asked me to go out that sunday after her church. ahh that was sweet.
i thank God for giving me such visions to satisfy me of things that i'll never have. its minor stuff and some of u might say its just a bloody dream but it means more to me that you'll ever know. just like she means more to me that she'll ever knoe.

'its alrite,im ok,i think God can explain
i believe,im the same,i get carried away
its alrite,im ok,i think God can explain
i'm relieved,im relaxed,i'll get over in the end'-i think God can explain/splender

~~lights off, pyjamas on~~
8:26 AM

Sunday, March 21, 2004

tonite i was like listening to al this damn nice and meaningful songs man. really. like every song since i was primary 5 that i once liked and to hear it all again. and you knoe how some songs give you certain images and memories of your past and thos are so good.
from acjc band concert2003,to master and commander, to peter pan, who am i trying to kid?

im still truly,madly and deeply in love with karen lim.

~~lights off, pyjamas on~~
12:08 AM

Friday, March 19, 2004

there was one i really liked that got away, and i'll never get to have her now.her name starts with 'c' and i wish she would knoe that im still awfully fond of her. i dreamt of her the other nite and thats nothing i would give to have a second shot at her. someone let her knoe. so if you dont wanna end up like me, wishing and yearning for another opportunity,well set your heart free and see what it comes back with.

'should have done something but ive done it enough
by the way your hands were shaking rather waste some time with you
should have said something but ive said it enough
by the way my words were fading rather waste some time with you'-blueandyellow/theused

~~lights off, pyjamas on~~
7:17 PM

since i first started being interested girls, ive always wanted my first girlfren to be the one i ended up marrying. unlike my other friends who probably had five or more girlfriends already in their lives, i have had a grand total of none. yeah haha ultimately loser-ish but hey, its something im not really embarassed about. i kinda never gave anyone a chance i was so caught up in making sure my first girlfriend was the best one, that i never gave anyone who was slightly not so perfect a chance. i closed all my avenues and well, kinda only looked at one girl as the cornerstone of my ideal girl. anyone who didnt match up to her, well, didnt match up to my expectations.
yeah its horrifically stupid, but i guess i was so overly confident of my abilities to make this dream girl like me, then i didnt bother giving other people even the simplest of glances. even if i might like them slightly, i always brushed such thoughts away as mere daydreams and never gave them serious consideration. to me, there could be only one.
but maybe, i was wrong.i never gave lots of people a chance. those people could have been so much more a better choice cos they may not have been perfect in my eyes, but they may have been perfect for me. i could list the names of this girls which i should have paid more attention to but of cos i wont, to avoid any embarassment or whatsoever. it was stupid cos i should have given these people a chance, and more importantly, i should have given myself a chance.
i used to think people who got many girlfrens or boyfrens, got them for the sake of getting them, and that they were only getting together cos everyone else got together. in my opinion, there was no sincerity in that. for me, the dating game was a bad game. dating around for the fun of it, then breaking up a couple months later, and then starting all over again.
i guess it was way too idealistic of me to wish my first girlfriend could be my wife. thats such a fairytale story and it would only happen to one in a million people. the odds,sadly, are firmly against me. im not saying go be a player and date as many people as you can, but if theres someone whom you remotely like, and that person shows similar interest in you, then well, give it a shot.
i should have thought this way long ago. theres one that really got away that really meant alot to me. she probably was the biggest fish i could have caught but well, theres no getting her now. stupid me but like i told myself, no more reminiscing and telling myself what if. just gotta move on.
i hate myself for never giving me a chance. if only i was a little bit more open-minded, i probably would have a more pleasant last few years. but its good in a way cos i learnt lots of lessons, and the thing that matters, is that now i knoe what i should be doing.
so if ever a time, you have a choice to make, should i go for her/him or not, think of whether you wanna jump in and give it a chance, or shy away.
jumping in may not necessarily give you the desired outcome, but at least you tried, and learnt valuable experiences. pick yourself up and move on if it doesnt work out. if it does work though, you've found the love of your life.
shy away, and your heart remains intact for that moment. but do know that once its gone, chances are it'll never come back. you'll end up like me, months or years down the road, you'll think and tell yourself, i should have given her a shot.
cos at the end of day, even if you dont wanna give her a chance, give yourself a chance.

~~lights off, pyjamas on~~
6:56 PM

Thursday, March 18, 2004

aussies are so damn nice.. we were out at night and like my friend lee ren jumped on this other guy randy and they lost their balance and almost banged into this aussie guy and we were saying sorry and he was like 'no worries mate' and he was all smiles and he even said good nite to us. gosh its really so damn amazing how damn friendly the people here are. i cant imagine that happening in singapore. the youngster would have probably went,"chao chee bai walk properly la".haha yeah man, i really appreciate the aussie's friendliness and sense of warmth.
so exactly 6 weeks since i got here and only 23 days away till i'll be back home, time sure passes fast. but im not too sure if i wanna go home now. haha well 2 reasons.
firstly, i absolutely love it here.
secondly, theres nothing back home for me in spore.
haha nah i sppose theres still all my frens so i guess i'll be going home.
yeah im been crapping really not so good stuff recently so i better get back to my normal stuff but i am thinking happy thoughts recently so naturally my blogs are happy and nonsensical.
i would like to shout out to all the people back in spore, hope you had a swell one week of hols. yeah man, enjoy it while it lasts.

ok ok i shall do a tribute todae. i dont think she reads my blog but anyway, i shall write about her cos shes made kwite a contribution in my life. haha her name is tiffany ang wan xun. shes 2 years older than me and i sorta got to knoe her thru my bro.
haha yeah she cant really take her carlsberg special brew(haha) but if not for her, i wouldnt be stuck here in melbourne la. she sorta prodded me towards this path and i was sure as hell apprehensive about it man, but shes really stubborn and she would not allow me to say no. she told me how going overseas would be an amazing opportunity and yeah, how i should count my lucky stars and make full use of the opportunity.
shes this amazingly open and liberal girl, whos crazy over her edison chen nad even more so over her surfer dudes, especially dylan graves. she FORCED me to go to quiksilver.com at 3am in the morning la! i mean, shes a bit off if ya ask me... haha kidding..
well haha we sorta had an up and down period but nowadays, shes always a listening ear for me.. haha i remember when i screwed up my 'proposal' and i called her to talk about it and i was giggling about it over the phone. haha yeah that was one of my more screwed up times la but she was nice about it and listened to me just say what i had to stay.
shes not one of the politest people you'll meet, gosh shes really rude. haha tiffy you knoe im just kidding but she sure as hell is one independent girl. haha she loves orang utans, loves vegetables, loves rnb, hates darius and westlife(haha why man!), sings awfully(well) and above all, despite not showing it, has a nice side i must say.
haha shes always been supportive of me wanting to be a musician, yeah probably as much as anyone else. and she did the nicest thing anyone could ever do. haha not gonna say what it is but she sorta mailed me a present when i came over. so yeah man, that was rather sweet and sorta got rid of my homesickness...
haha okok i dont knoe why im writing so long when she might not even read this. haha im talking to her rite now over icq and i cant seem to get anything across. she hits you with like 1,2,3 messages at once and its impossible to reply all her questions.
anyway, thanks a million tiffy, for finally being my friend. haha you knoe what i mean...

~~lights off, pyjamas on~~
8:33 PM

Wednesday, March 17, 2004

the sky has lost its color
the sun has turned to grey
at least thats how it feels to me
whenever im away

i crawl up to the corner
as i watch the minutes past
each one brings me closer to
the time when i'll be back
im coming back

i cant take the distance, i cant take the miles
i cant take the time, until the next time i see you smile
i cant take the distance, and im not ashamed
that i cant take a breath without saying your name
but i can brave a hurricane, and still be standing tall when all the dust has settled down
but i cant take the distance

i still believe in feelings
but sometimes i feel too much
i make believe youre close to me
but it aint close enough
not nearly close enough

cos i cant take the distance

-evanandjaron/thedistance...and i changed a few of the words

~~lights off, pyjamas on~~
9:37 PM

ahh adam and azad have been having some problems lately and i just thought i talk about it to let them knoe they're not alone in bearing the burdens.
adam sorta broke up and hes going thru a bad patch, i mean i dont think it was either party's fault, but something happened la and yeah well, he was sad at first, but they brilliant thing about him is that hes letting go. yeah and he knoes not to hold on which is something i could never learn and thats something i admire from him.
'i'll find someone new'-swingswing/allamericanrejects

well and on to azad, whos probably shared every single of my burden, and its only fair i return the favour. well, azad is one honest fella, and hes never lied to me, as far as i can remember. well and azad treats his friends really well, and lately, azad feels betrayed. he was lied to and i dont think i shall give explicit details(or else some s***br*cks might email me again and scold me) but basically azad has never asked anything from any of his friends but pure honesty, something im more than willing to give to a person like azad. its come to a state where, azad has stopped making an attempt to make serious frens. and he said it himself,'im not gonna choose my frens anymore.they're gonna choose me"
"take what you need,and be on your way
and stop crying your heart out"-stopcryingyourheartout/oasis

haha and me?
'when i fall in love, i take my time
theres no need to hurry when im making up my mind'-jasonmraz/theremedy

~~lights off, pyjamas on~~
9:21 PM

Monday, March 15, 2004

shumin

smile and look up into the sky
many things may make you wonder why
your life is such an uncertainty
everyday seems like a difficulty
friends sure come,as sure as they go
but one thing that you ought to knoe
a few of them will always stay true
help you in whatever you do
and then you dont reallie need the rest
cos the minority thats there, are the best
so dont think too much just close your eyes
think about how fast time flies
soon it'll be april we'll all be home
and maybe then you wont be alone

:)

~~lights off, pyjamas on~~
8:42 PM

Sunday, March 14, 2004

heyhey
i forgot who it was but whichever idiot made me agree to watching butterfly effect last nite at 1am, what the hell were you up to man! haha its was horribly creepy but the meaning behind it was awesome.

the chaos effect:something as small as the flutter of a butterfly may be the ultimate cause of a tornado at the other end of the world.

haha i thot i was gonna blog on that topic but i'll leave it for another time. today i found myself chatting to many of my good frens online and i realised something. it kinda came to me that no matter how alot things may seem to get you down, the only thing that can actually get you down is yourself. not events, not happenings, and especially other people, all those can do things to make you feel down, but the only way those things can actually affect you is that, if you let them get to you.
i used to be like that. when things didnt go my way, or things didnt turn out the way i want them to be, i used to be sad and confine myself to my bedroom for a couple of days, just doing nothing but feeling down in the dumps. i would put the blame on everything and everyone except myself. but its not like that anymore.

azad:"you are in charge of your life, no one can make you happy or sad but yourself"
thats the most truthful sentence a fren has ever told me. titus today asked me how i was and i replied 'great' and he said its been a long while since he heard me said that. and then i realised what kind of a sloppy lowlife i have been acting like for the past few months. whenever anyone asked me how i was, i would reply 'not good', 'could be better' and 'sigh' and i just realised how irritating it must have been to talk to me. people were trying to make me feel better and there i was doing the opposite, getting myself down.
and when eric asked me how i was i replied 'good as usual' and it was the truth. i have been feeling really fine this last week, and no one made me happy but myself. all the 'lectures' by azad, tania, adam, titus and eric woke me up in the end. i guess i still could be feeling shitty rite now and blog about how life isnt fair and all, but that was me in the past. im happy now. and thats that. and i knoe some people do read this. and because i dont talk to them anymore, i'll tell it to them here.
they aint getting me down no more. cos the only one who can get me down is myself. and i sure as hell am not gonna get myself down. now when i get rejected, i'll smile to myself, maybe i just wasnt good enough. until i finally find someone who im good enough for, then i'll be just fine.

not gonna blame it on tough luck anymore, cos the only one whos the blame for my failure is-myself.

on a less bitter note, even though i stopped caring about her already, i still miss her alot.

'dont waste your time on me, you're already the voice inside my head(i miss you miss you)
dont waste your time on me, you're already the voice inside my head(miss you miss you)

~~lights off, pyjamas on~~
7:31 PM

Saturday, March 13, 2004

alrite alrite, last nite was a night out and yeah it was damn fun la, cos friday nite, the end of the bloody week so everyone was eager to party. i had dinner with my parents first at this restaurant called 'the red olive' which was in st georges road and we ate here the last time they were around back in december. and guess what? my favourite waitress was still there!!! haha yeah the last time i came here for holidays back in december, she was my favourite eye candy for the whole trip, and this time i got to see her again. haha yeah her hairstyle was slightly different cos it was tied up in a ponytail this time, but i could still recognise her. hahah yeah imagine how happy i was.sighhhhh......
yeah then after that i went to lygon park to meet lee ren, daniel, adelene, amelia, and robin and then more people came and soon edric and randy was there, and even later on, chip,edwin and bryan came and haha it was damn fun! the bottle shop cashier should have just given us a discount card cos the amount we bought was amazing. i had one corona first, then two jim beam and cokes, then another corona, and then two stella artois. haha i was kwite high, although not as high as daniel who had six beers?
haha and then we all went down to this cafe to eat, and we had a guitar so i was standing outside the cafe and playing and singing when this angmohs came and approached me, and they asked me to play something. and this guy wanted me to play led zepellin haha which i had no idea how to so i just played a lil punk rock crap which they didnt realli mind, and then this awesome guy gave me 3 bucks for new strings. haha yeah that was reallie cool-my first three bucks as a busker! haha and then that guy left but his 5 frens were still hanging around and they all crowded round me and we made small talk and they all went to singapore and they loved it. haha yeah, so i gotta tell you something, australians are the friendliest people you'll ever find.
cheers mate :)

~~lights off, pyjamas on~~
7:53 AM

Thursday, March 11, 2004

quite tired from studying, chem and bio combined is a killer. i had enough bout phospholipid bilayers, vesicle carriers and orbitals. i am seriously gonna drop both chem and bio and pick up surfing. i suddenly realise this is very nonsense but you've gotta forgive me for this once alright cos my brain is in overdrive.

'her boyfriend,he dont knoe
anything about her
he's too stoned, nintendo
i wish that i could make her see
shes just the flavor of the weak'

well write more in awhile

~~lights off, pyjamas on~~
7:36 PM

Wednesday, March 10, 2004

heyhey
gonna write a short entry todae cos i got lots of studying to do.. just thought id write abit to tell you guys how im doing seeing that i havent wrote for like 2 days? yeah..
i think eric has the best msn nick ever..."travel to the other side of the world and see if the grass is greener"
haha yeah it took a genius to think of that one and im sure if eric had a blog, he would be saying pretty deep stuff.
had a fabulous long talk with azad last nite, it was meant to be only half an hour but haha we had so much to talk about. how azad was gonna make his debut for the hockey team today, and i was saying that i hoped he would concede 15 goals.haha. and yeah we also talked bout bio and i know more than him. yeah impressive australian education system.
basically what can i say. shah azad is my freaking buddy... everytime i talk to him, i realise some of the sacrifices he has made for me and it makes me feel bad cos im making lose out on some stuff but it heartens to knoe he treasures me this much. out of eric,adam,azad and owen, well adam is the one i turn to when i need someone to cheer me up. eric is the one i tell everything to. owen is the one i confide in when it comes to matters of the heart. and well, azad is the one who helps me get thru my many depressing periods.haha yeah so there you have it, my 4 buddies each with their own power.

azad and i were talking and reminiscing about sec2 and it was so cool how that year was probably the best year of our live. the most enjoyable, the most fun and also how all my best friends were made in sec2. all from the class of 2a2(2001), eric,azad,adam,josh,chandra,genxian,nigey..yeah amazing. i guess the main friends you make are in your earlier secondary school life when all of us are still innocent and we havent been taken over by the need to be popular, or to study like hell.
yeah and azad and i suddenly remembered our sec2 music project. well music was always my forte and azad did get 100% for music in sec1. yeah and the assignment was either to form a dance group, or to write and perform an original song. so azad and i chose the latter and our group also had joshua, adam and one more poor guy who i cant remember. yeah so we performed a song i wrote earlier that year.and guess what? somethings you do earlier in your, sometimes give you warnings for what might happen in the future. only thing is we cant tell, which is why we cant forewarn ourselves. but when it actually happens, and you think back at the event that was so blatantly a warning, you cant help but smile and marvel and the way God works. anyway the chorus went something like this. i wrote it myself.

"you told me lies
you made me cry
i thought you were my friend
but youre not here in the end"

:P

~~lights off, pyjamas on~~
3:36 PM

Monday, March 08, 2004

all i wanna say is 'hey whatever'

yeah hi i stopped blogging for awhile cos i was pondering my attitude and direction was a blogger and i was considering stopping.. but after much consideration.... HEY WHATEVER

yeah i guess its thanks to sarahrahrahrahann and tania that im still blogging..tania asked me why i dint blog for days and sarah liked one of my postings so yeah, even if its just to give this 2 ppl something to read then why not.
i realised lots of my good frens are going poly. owen my bestest bud and minyi my galpal are both going poly and so are two of my very recent but very close frens tania and RAHRAHRAH! yeah and what really inspired was the fact that all of them did good enough to go to JC, but they're going to poly instead.

what inspired me the most was that they didnt wanna follow the norm, but they knew what they wanted to do with their lives, and they made up their minds for themselves, even though, well maybe people might question thier judgement.
if it was me, i would have easily chosen to go jc.i mean im a real coward, i dare not go my own path. jc is the norm for ppl who come from relatively good schools, people like owen,min,tania and RAHRAHRAH. they all come from well known schools and most of the students from such schools end up in jc. in fact for some, its even kwite unthinkable for them to go anywhere under then jc, considering what schools theyre from.
for me, i like familiarity. i like the same old things, the same old story, the same old lifestyle. if things didnt change, i didnt see a need for them to. thats probably the only reason why i never stopped liking her. i liked being familiar with the girl i wanted, no unexpected suprises. i knew what she liked, how she behaved, blah blah blah. one thing i cant stand is starting all over again, like when i came her, having to make frens, something im horrible at. i hated the thought of having to chase a girl from scratch again which is probably why i never gave up on her-i just didnt dare change.
yeah but ppl like owen,min,tania and RAHRAHRAH, they know whats good for themselves, they knoe what they want, and they have the courage and bravery to make their own decisions. i let people make my decisions, which is why i ended up here(although i do love it in melbourne). but people like them, dont let others get them down by criticism or ridicule. they dare to break away from the mainstream, and do something thats not normal, but its what they want. and thats what i really admire in them.

heck all 4 of them are from very good schools, and im from a not so good school, and even i cant imagine the prospect of going to poly, and having people look down on me. if i had gotten below 20 pts, i wouldnt have thot twice about going to jc, even if it was the worse one. cos for me, everyone from good schools go jc after secondary school, and lousy jc is still a jc.
it never occured to me that maybe poly might be a better choice then jc, heck the name isnt there, but when it comes to your future, maybe going to something less presitigious might be beneficial in the long run.
and the thing about owen,min,tania and RAHRAHRAH i respect most is that, they knoe what they wanna do with their future. if it was me, i would have said, heck, go to yishun jc and from there, maybe i'll do well. not a very certain prospect anyway. and after talking to all 4 of them, i started to look at poly in a different light. i even think now that, if i were in spore, i would have gone to poly. nothing wrong with it. its still a school, it still teaches you, and after that, you still have a good chance of going to uni. i would seriously love to see which school produces more uni students, a poly or a lousy jc. yeah sometimes jc aint everything.
people care about name lots now, everything you do has to reflect well, otherwise ppl might look down on you.i would like to see at the end of everyone education, who does better. the ones who thought themselves superior cos they were in jc, or the ones who knew what was best for them, and have enough courage and maturity to go a different path, and choose poly.

i said, hey whatever

~~lights off, pyjamas on~~
2:28 PM

Wednesday, March 03, 2004

stupid eric says he wont read my blog unless they're mature topics like the recent few.. i mean how can i always think up of mature topics?!! they just come to me and i write what im feeling so somedays i just feel like talking cock,so... but anyway i miss eric but april is only a month away so look forward alrite best friend?
haha but in order to make eric happy, i shall write about something in-depth(as shumin calls it) again.

todays topic:friends and whether they truly are a friend or not

well yeah i wanted to write about this today cos i miss my friends so yeah, its rather appropriate i think. well i think i'll talk about mainly my guy friends today cos guy friends are very different from girl friends. however, maybe i might mention a few girl friends here and there.

haha since the start of,well, school which means nursery(a good 12 years ago), well i've come into close proximity with lots of people and yeah, of cos ever since then, ive always had friends. but its since the start of secondary school, where everyone starts caring alot about their image and are very superficial, and thats when i really started bothering about choosing my friends properly.
well i cant say all my choices in friends have been good ones. two of my close friends,one when we were in sec1,and the other when we were in sec3,both ended up in the cool gang, and well, things just changed and they just changed. of cos im not gonna name them, but lets just say like, people do change when they get affected by the need to be popular. but i think its possible to hang out with the cool gang, and not forsake your old friends still, and i mean, in sec4, the people i hanged out with changed. but even though i went out lots with eric, genxian and adam, i still didnt neglect the friends i had before, like nigey and quek and well, i still spent time with them. i mean, its possible to have a new bunch of friends but still be close with the old ones. and i think i could do it, which is why i get really angry when someone finds a new clique, maybe cooler than the previous one, and then totally ignore and reject their old friends, cos thats just simply not rite. i mean, before you were even big, the only ones that cared for you were your old friends, so yeah..but of cos thats just my opinion.
yeah eric used to be worse but i think hes improved alot, like he really cares about his friends and stuff, even the cock frens(like adam haha), yeah and its probably cos he matured. and i often wonder how i woud define someone as my fren.
the basic explanation from me would be someone who cares for me, and like will give advice when i need it. but then i thought about the people who dont, like genxian and adam. does that discount them as friends? and i realised, no. cos they do care alot about me, its just that they perhaps are not good at giving advice? and genxian and adam, honestly, are 2 very SELF CENTRED(haha) people and im used to it so yeah, one doesnt need to give advice to really be a friend.
but for someone like me, who needs alot of advice cos im poor at making decisions, and one example of a friend whos always given me advice has been azad. yeah he always thinks of something to say, and well yeah, it explains why all of my best friends are people who give me advice, cos i feel closest to them. eric, azad and owen.

yeah but then ever so often, you get cheated. someone you really regarded as a friend doesnt quite turn out to be one. yeah sure, he could say everything to make ya happy. 'brothers forever', 'we'll always be there for you','dont worry man we wont forget you','we miss you too' the list could go on forever. but yeah thats all they are...lies and bullshit. i could never stand liars, and i could stand two faced people even more. so give me a two faced liar, and well, i probably would wish him dead. and yes, you are right if youre asking if someone whom i regarded as a friend turned out to be a two faced liar. well firstly, despite having a bunch of frens whom we call each other brothers, ive never been to fond of addressing people as 'brother' cos its like very fake? ohh i dont knoe but some people ony genuinely known you for more than a month and then they put up this 'brother brother' front, and well you shouldnt fall for it, but i guess i did.
yeah i made a mistake lar, but i guess this will make me more conscious and aware of the people around me in the future. more on two faced people in a future entry.

yeah so after all this crap, i still havent defined the term friend yet. well lemme tell you about this guy in melbourne. yeah his name is kuni and hes from japan, hes 21 and hes probably the best looking guy in trinity. yeah and everyone is trying to get to knoe him and i kinda pity him, cos he has to deal with so much superficiality. i mean, if he wasnt as good looking, would they all still wanna friend him? yeah but sure, he does get all the attention. i cant lie and say i didnt wanna make friends with him, but i didnt really try, but i happened to sit next to him during chem lecture and we already knew each other abit from playing soccer. so we sat and talked and the lecture started and cos he didnt understand lots of stuff in english, i spent the better part of the lesson explaining the notes and formulas to him. well i must have been the envy of many girls and yeah haha he asked for my number cos he wanted to call me in case he didnt understand certain stuff. yeah and like after class, like 5 or 6 girls all went up to him.
'hows your injured leg, kuni?'
'kuni this is my friend, she wants to say hi to you'
'hi kuni can i have your number?'
haha i was sitting there and shaking my head and laughing. and how would he knoe who would genuinely wanna friend him and would wants to friend him cos they wanna be seen around with him? yeah its a tough task..poor guy.. and going from what i said earlier, i cant really call him my friend cos its not like i talk to him about love and topics like that. but i dont knoe, i have a certain affinity with him, and we're both interested in veterinary science, and i dont knoe, i talk to him and i admire his dreams. after he graduates, he doesnt wanna go back to japan and start up a practice but he wants to go to africa or indonesia cos there are so many interesting animals there. and thats something i admire cos i could never dream of giving up this comfortable lifestyle for a place so third-world and a job which might not pay well, but hes doing it for his passion and his interests and that was what really impressed me. and i told him if i ever did veterinary science, i didnt wanna start a practice, but i wanted to be a vet in a zoo, and he also found that pretty interesting.
ahh i didnt mention any of my girl friends.
so i have concluded, a friend is someone,you just click with. the language and cultural barriers are broken down and you guys have different dreams, but something about the other person dreams make you admire them, and when that happens, i guess you've got yaself a friend. and the willingness to help one another reali goes a long way in improving your friendship. yeah so i guess i wont hurt to lend a helping hand and open your heart to people you think could turn out to be your friends. and hopefully you'll be correct them. cause then, you wont have to experience the sadness and anger in having someone bertay your feelings for them.

"did you think that i would cry, on the phone
do you knoe what it feels like, being alone
i'll find someone new.."

~~lights off, pyjamas on~~
5:37 PM

Monday, March 01, 2004

today i found myself seriously wondering why i even came here in the first place. heck it sure wasnt for my sake cos i didnt wanna come. its then i guess the only reason why i came here was for my parents sake. yeah they wanted me to come and if i came, they'll be happy so yeah, im here.
and then i realised, for most of my life as a teenager, ive hardly ever done anything to make myself happy. well look at it this way, since i turned 13, i already started liking her. and ever since that time, everything i ever did was to make her happy. i didnt dare message her too often cos i didnt wanna annoy her. i didnt even dare to call her cos i knew she would be uncomfortable. every single thing i did, i considered her feelings before doing anything. and not just her.
months and weeks before i left, my parents would ask me 'you sure you'll be alrite going overseas?' and i'll smile back at them and say yeah why not. i mean, if i said no, would they have let me stay? i said yes all this while just to make them happy.
and recently, im starting to get tired of living me life in order to make people happy. i go out of the way to please them, and they dont even look me in the eye, and cherish what im doing for them, but some other people come along, and immediately, their every word and action is brilliant. yeah its amazing how life is like and as my buddy lennard said, 'whats the world coming to'. haha thanks man, it meant alot to me knowing how much you stood by me.
and how am i meant to answer my parents when they ask me why i dont wanna leave... "well mum and dad, the thing is, the girl i love is in singapore, and i wanna stay here for her". they'll probably laugh their heads off and ask me what a 16 year old would knoe about love. well, all i can say is first love is the deepest.
in the end, i didnt leave for my sake, or my parents sake. i left for the sake of my future, and my studies. hell i was talking to tania the other nite about going overseas to study, and i wont deny the fact that coming here to study is this amazing opportunity not many people get. and the fact that despite getting lower grades than most of my frens, i'll be able to go university before them is something that i wont pass up on.
and there will be so much there is to leave behind when you do eventually go overseas, but everyones gonna do it someday, and the good thing about leaving early is, all ya frens will be there to send you off. the later you leave, the less friends you'll have sending you off, and that'll make you even sadder. but then again, some people pretend to be your frens, but when they do send you off, they're kinda wishing you good riddance.
so if ya ask me whether i regret leaving, yeah i do. cos if i was still around, maybe somethings wouldnt have happened. but maybe they would, and thankfully, im not around to actually see it happen. but tell me anything in the world, which doesnt involve sacrifices? yeah so i did make a few sacrifices, and as it turns out, they hurt. but yeah, sometimes things turn out good,and sometimes they turn out bad. but no matter how many times i complain to azad that life isnt fair, i jolly well think it is. so since im going thru so much crap and pain and sorrow rite now, i can only say that im looking forward to the next parts of my life, cos i sure as hell have paid my dues in terms of sadness.
so if ya have been feeling down all this while too, smile. the good times are yet to come.

im walking away, from all the troubles in my life
im walking away, oh to find a better place

~~lights off, pyjamas on~~
8:04 PM

when everyone around you tells you the same thing, you knoe you should listen. and last nite, azad joined a group of people that have been encouraging me to let go. his exact words were 'move on gab'. well that makes it 99% now.
the day owen chong tells me its time, i guess i'll heed. and after what i found out last nite, i think it'll happen pretty soon. im not sure who it is that i hate more.
off to school now, hope you have a good day, mine will be fine, except that i didnt get much sleep last nite, tossing and turning in my bed
many thing running thru my head
thinking of all the things she said
i either be with her or end up alone when im dead

as ewan mcgregor's character in 'big fish' said, after the first time you see her, you knoe you'll either marry her, or die alone. you wont settle for anyone less. well said, ewan. how the heck did he put into words how i feel.

~~lights off, pyjamas on~~
5:32 AM