Tuesday, August 31, 2004
tuesdays are getting increasingly less terrific, i dont knoe why. maybe its cause after so many weeks the novelty has worn off, or maybe its cause im just close to giving up, but yeah, tuesdays dont seem that great anymore. besides the fact i only have one class that i need to attend, and thats at 345pm. but anyway, today wasnt that bad a day. went around with lee ren looking at prices of alcohol at different shops, and then had the usual coffee thing, where we just sat down and hung out. pretty fun i must say. hanging out beats clubbing anytime, and if u disagree, then go fly a kite.
then went for my only class of the day which was terribly boring literature tutorial but on the plus side, i got my exam questions so i can at least prepare for the literature exam.
soccer after that wasnt bad as well. besides the fact that the temperature was around 10degrees and it was raining and i was freezing. but soccer always makes me happy so yeah. and i scored today so that makes me doubly happy. tackled someone in my own half, skipped past vicky, acres of space, struck a horribly miscued shot(haha anti-climax), which somehow went in between the keepers legs so that made my day la. cant wait to go back and play soccer. with my strike partner mr lennard quek. as well as show my brother how much ive stopped slacking. lung-bursting runs from box to box, ala frank lampard. haha i wish.
ok enough soccer talk or i'll be boring non soccer fanatics. had dinner with agent "i'll help you help yourself" mah after soccer, and that wasnt bad too. steak at papa ginos and then i wanted to buy yew char kwey from the nasi lemak house but they were running short.
so basically, my tuesdays arent bad. everything isnt bad. but it just isnt good. note that i typed it out as it comes and i just noticed i used 'wasnt bad' twice or maybe more. but nothing was particularly good.
okok i knoe one thing that was definitely good today. the melbourne uni festival of nations. they sorta had this bazaar cum pasar malam thing, but all they sold was food. lets see what i ate, hmm haha 'hongkong style fishball', those fishcake thingys they put in yong tau fu, malaysian peanut pancake which was amazing, and the best of all, chin chow and tau huay! haha yeah even though everything was at exorbitant prices, the rare food was worth it.
i think people should be more open and honest. i dont knoe lately ive been surrounded by lots of... deceit and mistrust. i mean some people i think i can trust, i suddenly have second thoughts. and these are the people who ive befriended since the start of the school year, i mean things have been smooth sailing ever since, but you just have a certain gut feeling that something is wrong. i dont like people being dishonest with me, if you need something or whatever, just ask and dont give another reason. or say maybe you wanna tell me something, dont say someone else said it or you heard it from somewhere. i mean if it really has a point its not like im gonna ignore it rite?
jammed with robin just now and then fendy from room201 heard the racket and came up the hear us. haha not too bad la, robin is amazing. his fingers are almost fluid and seeing him play all that children of bodom nonsense(death metal stuff) is quite mesmerizing, even though metal isnt my cup of tea.
sometimes it isnt good to be sweet to a girl. you just end up being taken for granted. you should be cold and distant and then maybe you'll get the girl. ahh dont listen to me, i wouldnt know. i think it depends on the type of girl la. im an ignoramus when it comes to this stuff.
hope its warmer tomorrow, i could do with abit of sunshine in my life.
lights off, pyjamas on
11:52 PM
Sunday, August 29, 2004
today was a rather pleasant day. just stoned the whole day away but it felt pretty good. had a late lunch with chel and then smoked abit, with robin as well. then went to meet claire for dinner and lee and mah joined later on and it was very fun. mah and lee and 2 freaking jokers la, even claire finds them amusing. im glad to have them around. and then we just chilled la that was basically my day. leaving out a few minor parts of the day though.
i miss owen alot. haha he just reminded me of the time when it was just the 2 of us in my tv room drinking shots and ahah brings back good memories. haha 100proof smirnoff and all that crap. sheesh i cant wait to get home to see my vodka bros.
and i changed a pack of marlboro reds for a pack of gudang garam with robin today. can die man, i shouldnt smoke too much of that really, i think i'll die at 23. ur average marlboro red contains probably 11milligrams of tar. and thats heavy already. our dear indonesian cigarette gudang garam contains 35milligrams of tar. lung cancer, here i come.
"did u think that i would cry, on the phone
do u know what it feels like, being alone"
-theallamericanrejects/swingswing
(one of my all time favs)
lights off, pyjamas on
11:21 PM
Saturday, August 28, 2004
i dont understand how i can be invisible in her life. its imcomprehensible really. you'd think after all ive done i deserve a certain bit of mention perhaps. but no, not one bit. if the event's not worth mentioning, she will totally exclude it and not mention it happening at all. and if the event has to be mentioned, then she can somehow find a way to totally exclude my presence in that event, even though i may have been quite a major part of it. whatever really. i dont knoe why the same old story happens over and over again.
she really drives me crazy. shes so cheerful and all whenever she talks to me yet.. aiyar i dont knoe lar. i dont knoe and i dont care. chel said that people have different ways of releasing their sorrows. i smoke and i drink. but thats not how i release my sorrows. i just keep to myself, and one of this days, im gonna explode, and its all gonna come back to her.
the worse thing than regretting something you did do, is to regret something you didnt do.
the worse thing than she knowing i love her, is she never knowing that i do.
"if i could, then i would
i'll go wherever you will go
way up high, or down low
i'll go wherever you will go"
-thecalling/whereveryouwillgo
lights off, pyjamas on
11:13 PM
Tuesday, August 24, 2004
claire:thanks for all your kind words of wisdom
ryanho:haha thanks for just cheering me up with your crap
chel:thanks for the concern too
she asked where i had been. i told her i had been where i have always have. what i didnt say was out by her corner. waiting patiently. i'll continue doing that
lights off, pyjamas on
12:15 AM
Monday, August 23, 2004
the internet in my hostel is down so no one could go online so that was rather pathetic which explains why i havent really been online the past 2 days, apart from going to mahs house to use. well last few days have been alright la, the deadline of the HOI essay kinda ushered in lots of relief and celebration but what for i dont knoe too. i mean that essay if u ask me, albeit being graded so people were stressed for marks, was actually rather enjoyable to do. and my essay question really got me thinking, so yupp.
im in the computer lab now, after the first 5 weeks of school where i got posted to a different maths class with a different teacher, im back to good old philip mannes, which means i can disappear for 45 mins and he wont even ask me where i went. right now, ive already been in the comp lab for half an hour i reckon. sighh, i love the guy.
today was a pretty bad day. i dont know what to make of it, and to be honest i dont really wanna think of it, or think of her for that matter. i just wanna forget her and everything, and lead a normal life. go out with the guys, play music, play soccer, and just do normal stuff. enough of all this love stuff really. its nonsense.
money can buy everything. it can buy my friends dinner. it can buy me a new paul smith wallet. it can even buy me nice clothes. but one thing money cant buy is love. gabriel out.
"until the day i die, i'll spill my heart for you"
-storyoftheyear/untilthedayidie
lights off, pyjamas on
2:42 PM
Saturday, August 21, 2004
the only thing that made me smile today. or rather, it actually made me laugh.
XION says:
i wish 2 get married @ 27
XION says:
10 yrs more
XION says:
the way i am goin, it might be 77
if theres one thing ryan ho is good at talking about, its about relationships. i mean he seriously makes freaking good sense la. like u knoe how girls always say guys are insincere and crap and that they like a few girls at one time, i mean thats bullshit and all la. ho and i both agreed that the guy usually likes one girl only, but because the girls doesnt reciprocate, the guy has a tendency to open up his options cos he doesnt wanna get hurt. but is it his fault that he still likes the original girl? obviously not, thats crap la really. and i quote ryan on "all the fuckers seem to get the luck". haha damn right ho!
im sorry if it seems as though i have a millions girls on my mind. im sorry if its seems im a huge flirt. im also sorry that i dont seem to talk bout only you. but you see the truth is i know u cant reciprocate what i feel for u, but to give up on you its just something thats out of the question. ive never met someone quite like you, so different from the girls i used to like, yet seem so familiar and friendly. and im also sorry if i get angry when you dont talk to me or stuff like that, i realise its not a right i possess, and you dont need to talk to me or smile or me at all, cos basically youre not obliged too. but you see the truth is i just like you that bad.
life is so unpredictable. lee ren and i always joke bout getting knocked down by the tram but you never know when that might really happen. and althought lee ren said thats a one in a million chance of happening, i might be the one in a million. i mean we all live a comfortable and peaceful life but you knoe sometimes, shit happens. and thats the way it is. and if i happen to get knocked down by the tram tomorrow, i dont wanna leave the world without letting some people knoe how much they mean to me. and 'i love you' its just three simple words. how difficult can it be to say that to someone special everyday it only takes three breaths of air.. you never know when ur time might be up seriously, you never know. for the people in melbourne,
an, what will i ever do without you? the cigarettes, the playing soccer at 3am, the wallet-finding(!!!) and also the studying?? but what will i ever do without your friendship? despite you choosing crown over me, i guess thats fair cos i put her over you. haha but i could never survive without you, everything uve done for me, the wise words uve said to me, and just the amount of times youve been there when i needed someone to cry to. and i daresay you've shouldered the misery of being away from dan by just being a brotherly figure to me. heres to more memories here.
lee and mah, thanks for being all that i could ask for really. mah haha we couldnt stand u at first but i daresay we love u lots now. and lee, youre truly a blessing in my life thanks alot.
claire: thanks for always being my one source of refuge and comfort. youre not my mommy, youre just my freaking loving sister, and i 'lub chiu' for that.
the soccer gang(dwin,mul,ran,jaya,farell,aaron,soonseng,ck etc.): none of you are even gonna read this la i think, but thanks anyway for all the fun times. i knoe i may have drifted away from u guys but that does not make any of you guys less significant in my eyes.
robin, thanks for the jamming. and thanks for giving in to my annoying request last nite and performing another song just for me to play the drums. youve been great.
err adelene and amelia, haha my two retards. thanks for putting up with my singing and weirds songs like 'youre the layheehoo' and 'dumb jocks unite'. seriously if my music career takes off, you two will be the first i thank.
lygon park gang(ating,edric,chip etc etc), haha cant wait for spring again can we? to go back and break more beer bottles?
cmc people(jo,justin,rubini,adriel, davinder), haha thanks for being wonderful neighbours really. i dont know how u guys put up with my crap 24/7 but i love u guys for that.
chel and yenteng: thanks for all the concern always, as well as the countless favours. u two are gems.
rowena:thanks for all your support though im hardly worth it. thanks for the patience and everything. really.
the acsi boys(clement, xan and imran), haha all acsian rejects? ahh thanks guys for still giving me a touch of home in my life here. at least theres still that trace if acs in my life , "the best is yet to be" heh ok go practice the drums imran, and clement, the bass.
the malaysian gang(vel,joyce,and the three ahbengs yoonsing, andrew and kevintan), haha we're not all that close but that hasnt stopped you guys from being tremendous friends has it? thanks alot, you guys rock, really.
and then theres you. i left you for the last, but thats only to even it out to the rest of my frens, seeing how i put you first always. i dont know if im even worth your time really. i dont know if im even good enough for you really. but that is insignificant. shit happens, and you never know when it might be your time to go. but you also never know when you might fall in love. and i didnt know. but when it happened i accepted it. and though i may never be someone youre looking for, thats alrite really, cos youre the someone im looking for.
lights off, pyjamas on
2:47 PM
Thursday, August 19, 2004
i know she might be the first one i ever loved. i know it might seem like i like alot of girls. i know she may be the one i talk about all the time. i know i say shes the one i really want out of all. i know youve heard lots about me. i know you've heard of all the girls i've been involved with. i know it might seem like i like alot of girls. i know i talked about where i first met her, whether it was in church, during oriention, at sakae sushi, or at swanston street study area. i know it seems like i like alot of girls. but thats in the past. and right now theres only you.
i think you know that youre the only one i want right now.
i think you know that youre the only one i need right now.
i think you know that youre the only one i love right now.
i think you know its you.
ok i change that.
i know you know its you. :)
Some meet in the strangest places
Some meet in the place that they work in
Some meet in their own backyard
Some say it was love at first sight
Some say that they never could imagine
They say that they’d find the right one
Where are you?
When I’m calling your name, oh baby
Where are you?
When I’m here all alone, where are you?
Where are you?
When I reach out my hand, oh honey
Where are you when I need you most, ohbabe
Where are you?
Some meet at the supermarket
Some meet on the summer vacation
Some meet at the local bar
Some say it was meant to be them
Some say they’ve been waiting for a longtime
They say that they found the right one
Some meet cause they like each other
Some meet for a little bit of lovin’
Some meet in their father’s car
Some say they’re getting married
Some believe in trust and understanding
They say that they find the right one
Where are you?
When i'm calling your name oh baby
Where are you?
When im here all alone, where are you?
Where are y ou?
When i reach out my hand, oh honey
Where are you when i need you most, oh babe
Where are you?
There is this one song I can’t stop in myhead
And I keep on going on and it’s makin’ me stronger
One song I can’t stop in my head
And it makes me feel good so I can hold on much longer
-whereareyou/bosson
lights off, pyjamas on
12:59 AM
Tuesday, August 17, 2004
im feeling sick, im feeling stressed, im feeling tired and im having a bloody splitting headache which i have no idea where it came from. the last thing i need is girl problems. seriously, i could do without it all. anyway shes too far gone, i cant even get her, yet i just want to. once again im in too deep. but if push comes to shove, i guess i'll let her go. like vel said, if you really love her, you'll be happy if shes happy.
i could do without her playing hard to get. i could do without her not messaging me online first. i could do without her giving me hardly-existent replies online. i could do without thinking of her everynight. i could do without having to bore eric and owen everyday bout how difficult it is to get her. i could do without thinking of things to say to her. i could do without worrying if something i say might sound stupid. i could do without all this courtship crap and trying to make her like me.
but i couldnt do without her.
lights off, pyjamas on
10:29 PM
Monday, August 16, 2004
im not a man of a thousand words, i cant talk about the moon & the stars
or the distances so far, i'll go for you
and i dont know bout the depths i could swim, just to see you in my dreams
those words belong to a poet's speech
im just a normal guy, i just like to sleep
and im not like those guys who liked you before
my words wont blow your mind, make you come back for more
and im not some big swimmer, with arms real strong
im just a simple guy, who has liked you so long
and this is why im writing a simple song
cause im not that good with words, its not where i belong
still i hope its good enough for you
im trying to make you like me too
i dont have real much to offer you
just a love from me thats oh so true
if you dont believe me
i have nothing else to make you see
i cant use words like 'eternity', or phrases like "love you consistently"
the only phrase i know is "i love you"
and if those words arent deep enough, well im sorry girl youre making it tough
cause im already trying my very best, if thats not enough then ive failed the test
you see im not like those guys who liked you before
im not a crown prince i might forget to hold the door
and if you cant accept that im not tall & tanned
im not gonna change the way i am
cause im a guy who writes a simple song
cause im not that good with words, its not where i belong
still i hope its good enough for you
im trying to make you like me too
i dont have real much to offer you
just a love from me thats oh so true
if you dont believe me
i have nothing else to make you see
thats its not always like the movies
no fairytale shine, no champagne or wine
but one thing we'll have that the movies dont have
which will leave them all standing, is a real happy ending
guess im just a guy who wants a simple girl
make her feel like the queen of the world
may not be able to afford a diamond ring
but i'll give her love, everlasting
looks like ive found my way with song & words
roses & presents are quite unheard
if youve been waiting for a girl for very long
dont wait anymore write her a simple song
-the simple song-
lights off, pyjamas on
8:31 PM
Sunday, August 15, 2004
heyhey anyway haha heres my ego boost for the day
Tony Soprano says:
then i was like
Tony Soprano says:
who the hell is playing the guitar at this hour
Tony Soprano says:
then i just opened my door
Tony Soprano says:
listened to your whole song!
Tony Soprano says:
damn nice
Tony Soprano says:
you sound better than maroon 5
haha thanks imran although u flatter me. but actually my neighbours must hate me cos i play the guitar at 2am in the morning, and i dont exactlty sing softly. haha anyway last few days havent been that bad. i should be starting and all those essays and projects that are due pretty soon but i just havent seem to have found any motivation at all.
anyway last nite i did the bravest thing ive done in a long while. and although i didnt exactly get a positive reaction, im glad to have gotten in off my chest and out of my system. haha it felt good and at least it hasnt changed things la so im happy for that. and im gonna make it a point once again to not let things get me down. its silly really i mean ive said it time and time again but if you're not good enough for one girl, or two girls, or three girls for that matter, it doesnt matter you're not good enough for the rest of the girls out there. so yeah i mean its not like im gonna think im the world's suckiest guy or anything cos thats just not the way it works. gonna keep that head of my mine up where it belongs.
ok i think i better start work now, owen thanks anyway i listened to what u said any maybe it was the wrong advice but it sure made me feel better :) and err hi to eric chang i havent metioned you in my blog for a long time so hello hello. lastly, i knoe nigel reads this so nigel can u please get msn or at least email me cos theres alot i need to chat with you about but if i use the phone my parents will chop my head off la so please get in touch you stupid boy!! haha joking nigey rocks my world. gabriel out!
lights off, pyjamas on
8:15 PM
Monday, August 09, 2004
lets just say in a different time and a different place
perhaps things might be different too
maybe i wont actually have all the troubles and tribulations i have right now
and perhaps i'll actually have her to call as my own
but right now i wish she could just take me and bring me away from this hellhole
cos i dont think i can take it anymore
if only
in a different time and a different place
i had her to call my own
"beauty queen of only 18
she had some troubles with herself
he was always there to help her
she always belonged to someone else
i drove for miles and miles
and wound up at your door
ive had you so many times
but somehow i want more"
i dont mind spending everyday, out on your corner in the pouring rain, look for the girl with the broken smile, ask her if she wants to stay for awhile.
lights off, pyjamas on
10:23 PM
Saturday, August 07, 2004
mum and pa are here so it was great to see them. saw them yesterday morning for a wee while but they drove up to mornington so didnt see them till today. went over to their hotel at lygon in the evening and it was kinda nice chatting with them. plus seeing all the aunties and uncles was quite nice cos they were the people i was used to seeing around the house. was meant to eat dinner with them but they gave me the night off cos i'll be spending the next 2 days with them.
after that went over to adelene's and amelia's place cos they cooked so i had a bite. lee and mah were also there so it was fun just chilling. then went over to mah's place to watch home alone2. haha i like that show man, always cry cos its really touching but i stopped watching halfway cos i went to meet hongyi for ice cream. haha freddo was crowded as usual so they ran out of all their good flavours but it was still good la.
ok probably might not blog the whole of tomorrow cause i'll be driving up to great ocean road and i doubt they have internet there but i'll just bring my laptop in case. i need the music to accompany me anyway. anyway mah's introduced me this damn good song. its my fav song rite now so thanks mah. today was a good day! gabriel out! :)
i don't mind spending everyday
out on your corner in the pouring rain
look for the girl with the broken smile
ask her if she wants to stay awhile
and she will be loved
she will be loved
-shewillbeloved/maroon5
lights off, pyjamas on
2:28 AM
Thursday, August 05, 2004
these entry is solely dedicated to my brother and all hes done for me.
my brother is either someone you like or dont like. thats something ive come to realise quite a long while ago. theres no in between, u cant sit on the fence. hes so in your face, he either rubs you the right way, or pisses you off. and before i start talking bout him, i have this to say. if you've got a problem with my brother, go fuck your mum now. cos hes the most genuine person ive ever known. ok im glad i got that straight before i started. here goes.. i assure you it'll be long.
my brother has always been there for me, he has never been missing in action. not once. hes not say there when i want someone to chit chat with. but whenever i needed someone to stand up for me, he would be the first to do so. whenever i get scolded by mum or pa, he would yell back at them for me. he knew right from wrong, and he knew when they werent fair to me.
but that never stopped him from putting me in my places. when i stepped out of the line, he was ne ver far away to scold me. not just scold, but actually educate me. he would never back down from teaching me maths and science, although his teaching methods were a little, should i say, aggresive. even during soccer matches, the only reason why he ever yelled at me was cause i wasnt giving me best, or that he knew i was capable of better. he'd seen me do it in training and it pissed him off that i wasnt producing it on the pitch. he had incredible faith in me too and even when i was the youngest player on the team, he let me take the freekicks and corners and having such a responsibility in a team filled with older players just helped increase my confidence.
the one thing i'll forever be indebted to my brother is his unfailing belief in my abilities. i mean mum always tells me that im a good musician and all, but shes never encouraged me to pursue it like my brother has. he stands up for me so many times when my grades are bad by saying you cant judge success on grades. and that always made me content, knowing someone actually accepted me for my worth and talents, and not just cared if i did well in my exams or not. hes been the support behind thats been pushing me thru everything and though i always thank my friends in my blog and give them credit, none of them even come close to what my brother has done for me.
hes always wanted me to have fun too. hes set the example for me to follow, and cause hes 2 years older, i kinda did everything 2 years before he did. he started clubbing when he was j1 and well, i was sec3 only haha when he brought me on my first clubbing outing. he gave a bunch of friends that i totally cannot do without, and i treat them as if they were my own friends, some of them are even like brothers to me. having a huge group of them watch you grow up makes them even closer to you, and they all always have best wishes for me and stuff like that. and the havoc gang too, its fun to hang out with them, and they're all really just a bunch of fun loving people who have no mischief up their sleeves whatsoever.
and my brother always has something to say for every occasion, whenever im happy or sad or crestfallen, he has something to say to suit the mood. and his sayings never fail to lift my spirits if im miserable, or get me back down to earth when im high. and honestly, whenever i am down, i just have to think of the memories i shared with him, and i knoe i'll be fine, cos hes always been there to get me thru it all.
haha alrite maybe it wasnt that long, but you must be kidding if you want me to summarise 16 years of bestfrenship in one blog entry. so here i am done with my tribute to my beloved brother, im glad theres only the two of us, cos 3 children just wont seem right would it? and we wont get to share so much together with another sibling. so i hope you liked it, although its not really enough to express all youve done for me. take care in ns, look after the guys, and get the girl. this was just a little something which goes a long way to thanking you for everything :) gabriel out!
God didnt bless me with alot of things. not the brightest of minds, and not the strongest of faiths. and he certainly didnt bless me with the smoothest love life. but one thing He did bless me with, and im thankful for. He blessed me with the best elder brother anyone could ever dream of. and i wouldnt swap my brother for anyone in the world.
lights off, pyjamas on
1:49 AM
Monday, August 02, 2004
just realised that my 100th and 101st post happened to be when i was in a sad mood, didnt even realise it until now and well, its not a good way to have a 100th post la. its like i started out sad on the 1st post and on my 100th post, im still sad. not a good sign.
anyway was feeling really really moody today and it wasnt just cause i thought about the past. didnt have breakfast, only had 4 hours of sleep, had to go for a stupid support lecture which took all my lunch break, didnt even get to eat lunch, was going to walk to evan burge for class and i was halfway into melbourne uni when i realised my eap books were still in my room. that was it really. i turned back and didnt even bother to go for class. quite a bad day, but lunch, and table tennis with mah subsequently cheered me up. thanks mah :)
lee ren is seriously quote-worthy. i remember last week he said 4 quotable quotes in one day but i forgot all of them. but today, he lived up to his reputation and delivered another one. so once again, heres our edition for 'quote of the day'...
'im telling you theres something they put in the australian tv shows, im getting addicted!'
haha that was really quite amusing and hilarious. i almost fainted when i heard that one. and the thing is, he says it as part of his serious speech. so unwittingly, he is funny. i wish i was like that too.
ok and thanks to xan too, for checking to see if i was fine. thanks xan, means alot. youre a great guy, hope u know that. ahh im a bit disgruntled today la, only thing thats getting me through is knowing mum and dad will be here in 2 days time, and thats enough to get me through anything la.
tomorrow is terrific tuesday again, but with the mood im in, i wonder if it'll be so terrific. still theres always soccer, and that special little reason. but today was quite special too, even though it wasnt expected. but on tuesdays, i always know it'll be special. oh what on earth am i talking about.
ok gonna get started on my hoi essay tomorrow la, i changed from question2 to question1 but i like question1, its kinda about protestantism and stuff, and its really interesting and thought-invoking. ok not much i have to say. i dont want to say things when i have nothing important to say cause that will seriously make my blog sound like an ahlians blog. ok gabriel out..
lights off, pyjamas on
9:22 PM
somehow i hope you get to read this, i really do.
i wonder what it might have been like to have you to call as my own. i wonder what it might have been like to walk along orchard road, and carry your many shopping bags. i wonder what it might have been like to bring your for dinner at fancy restaurants, as well as hot hawker centres. i wonder what it might have been to watch movies and concerts with you, and have your head rest on my shoulder. i wonder what it might have been like to be in dozens of photos with you, with my arm around your waist. i wonder what it might have been like to hold your hand. i wonder what it might have been like for you to meet my parents, and have dinner with them. i wonder what their reaction might have been.. believe me, they would have been very impressed with me. i wonder what it might have been like, if ac wins the hockey girls final, and you played, and the first one you turn to after the match is me, and you give me a hug and i congratulate you. i wonder what it might have been like to be so proud of you. i wonder what it might have been like for you to be in tears, and for me to be the one you turn to for consolation. i wonder what it might have been like to be the one who wiped away your tears. i wonder what it might have been like to wait for you after school everyday, so we could take the bus home together. i wonder what it might have been like to even be in the same school as you. i wonder what it might have been like to quarrel with you, and then realise i was wrong, and call you back to apologise and to say sorry, and you would only pick up on the seventh time i'd call. i wonder what life might have been like centred around you.
i wonder if you ever think of me, maybe cross your mind, just for a second. i wonder if ever in the middle of the night, while you lie in bed, you suddenly go "oh i wonder how gab is doing in melbourne". or maybe for a moment you may think back on orientation and go "i remember gab, he was quite a silly boy wasnt he". i wonder if im ever a part of your life, maybe a minor part. that sometimes you think about. i wonder why i wonder so much.
i know you got a boyfriend now, and dont get me wrong, i hope this relationship lasts forever. honestly, i do. but if ever, you might find yourself single again, and if ever you might think theres a little space in your heart that might have the slightest chance of me belonging to, you know i'll always be here.
lights off, pyjamas on
1:45 AM
just when i thought i'd never let it happen again, i did. my mind wandered, and my heart slackened for just a second. i thought back to the past and everything came falling back. i went to look at photos of her, and it all just tumbled down. all my feelings, emotions that i long stashed away in a place where no one knows, all those feelings i told people were long gone, that i had lost for her, they were never gone, they were just hidden cause there was never a way for them to surface. i cant believe i let myself do this again. its been a long time since ive cried, a really long time. but with all the photos of her looking ever so heavenly, and all this jay chou songs playing in the background, i just started tearing again.
shes got a boyfriend already, shes got a blissful life, although there were ups as they were downs, i can see shes content and she knows everything happens for a reason and to have faith in God. i can see shes happy, and i can see i should stay away. i've only ever wanted her to be happy, i've only ever wanted to see her smile. if that means me sitting by the sides, then i'll gladly do so.
but i cant stop the tears from falling, as much as i cant stop my heart from breaking. if only i knew you long ago, if only you had a chance to know me, and i had a chance to know you. if only our paths crossed a long time ago, maybe i would be the lucky guy now. but thats the way the cookie crumbles. no use saying maybe cause thats in the past and it cant be changed. if only back in sec1, i knew you existed, and i knew you would turn out the be the most amazing girl in the world, i would have just walked down dunearn road to your school and looked for you. the number of times i walked from barker to raffles town club bus stop and passed that school and the number of times i saw all those girls. what if on one of those many occasions, i walked past you without even knowing, that one day you'd walk by and steal my heart.
but i'll take what i have. the memories, both good and bad. the times when i was right next to you, yet didnt even knoe the pain u were going through. the times when i might have said something silly just to see if you'd laugh. the time we waited outside lido for your brother to fetch you and give me a lift, that was the sweetest memory of my life. that very time when your brother was driving fast and you apologised on your phone and let me read it. the time i gave you a lift home when i cabbed back cos u stay pretty near me. i dont think you remember that one, but i do. i dropped you right outside your gate. and i watched as you thanked me, got off the cab, and walked in. i still remember all this, i still remember clearly. i dont really care if people know im talking bout you, cos this is probably the only place in the world i can say whatever i wanna say. i remember the time you were meant to sit somewhere else, but i dragged you to sit next to me during 'the last samurai'. do u knoe its my favourite movie ever since? and how i kept laughing and you kept saying 'its not funny' and i just giggled. if only i knew you were really sad. forgive me for my insensitiveness, but i genuinely didnt knoe. and remember the time when the og went to watch 'cheaper by the dozen' and i wanted to sit with you so badly but puifun sat in between us. haha thats was annoying but two seats away from you wasnt that bad :)
i remember all this really silly things i did. i remember i gashed both legs during orientation at the rugby game and the blood was spilling quite badly. i remember going 'ouch' and asking me to wash my leg. i didnt cause i wanted to see if you might notice, and ask me to wash it. all this silly things i did just to get your attention. i hardly think you noticed.
i remember the time i was drunk and embarassed the hell out of you. i truly apologise. i wish i could erase what i did. but i cant, and that night will forever tarnish our friendship, like a barrier that can not be broken.
but i wanna thank you for the walk in the park, listening to me confess my every feeling to you. i dont care if you thought i was bullshitting or not, but i was content to say what i had to say. and i broke my promise to you, the one about quitting. but if it means anything to you, i'll try again. i still have the sms you sent me before i left, but i deleted the rest that i used to keep. the ones you replied when i was home during the last two holidays. i used to keep them, but i tried to let go, and so i deleted them in hope of not getting reminded of you. but after tonight, i realised its almost impossible to fully let go. sure i may move on, and i may find someone new, but theres a certain part of me that will always love you, and it wont be fair if i were to go after any girl.
lastly, i remember the words i ripped off love actually. we sat on the park bench just the two of us, underneath the moon and the stars. it felt like deja vu, cause two months prior, the same thing happened, with another person who used to mean as much as you do to me. i told you, 'without hope or agenda' but 'only because its easter' and 'at easter you tell the truth'...'you are perfect to me'
and believe me, you still are.. :)
lights off, pyjamas on
12:36 AM
Sunday, August 01, 2004
this past few days have been alrite la, rather uneventful. school passed as per normal, and nothing much happened. the weekend has to be one of the most slack weekends ever. no clubbing nothing whatsoever. and to be honest, i dont think i'll be going clubbing for a long while. i got new priorities and aims, and truthfully, clubbing and being 'cool' doesnt fit into any of those plans. so yeah, lee and mah will be hitting on the girls by themselves. haha went drinking on friday and saturday night, got abit high on friday cos mah challenged me to down la, but on saturday night we only had a beer each, then we left the cafe cos this drunkard sat down with us. he was rather amusing though, he called kevin mah a geek, a computer geek. "look at his hair man!!" haha lee and i just couldnt stop laughing.
today was very slack, woke up at 2plus then helped robin do his eap essay, and i did abit of matrices la, but i got really lost once it came to gaussian whatever. went out for dinner with robin, leo, another indo guy, lee and mah and met adelene, ating and sab la. ate at a1 and the food wasnt that bad, but it looked pathetic. and then robin, lee, mah and me went to safeway to grocery-shop. and the genius me, who had saved 50dollars this week, spent it all at safeway. my bill actually hit $57. damn it thats the last time im gonna be greedy and buy a whole box of indomee. but its damn tasty albeit a lil unhealthy.
family visits next week, and thats something im definitely looking forward to. mum and dad coming with my suit and with all their friends, it'll be quite cool. i like my parents friends. they're all like nice proper people, who are capable of holding intelligent conversations la, makes me feel very grown up.
and guess my latest appointment... lee ren's having a birthday party in a months time and i have been appointed bartender. haha that rocks socks man. well not that it gives me guilty pleasures or anything, but ive just been mixing drinks for quite awhile and im quite good at it la. and lee ren's tasted my mixes so he knoes the standard haha. 2 malibu cokes coming up! haha and anyway, the party is exclusively on an invite-only basis, so all those who didnt get invited, please go fly a kite. hahah robin wanted to be stripper at the party but i fear he might chase all the guests away so..... haha :P
haha shes stopped messaging me first on msn already, what could this mean? trying to play hard to get? whatever, im used to giving in so here goes. time to message her first again.. haha gabriel out!
"im the one who wants to be with you"-tobewithyou/mrbig
lights off, pyjamas on
10:45 PM
