Tuesday, October 26, 2004
sometimes, you should be careful of what you pose on your blog. cause you never know who might actually read it, even though you think they dont. and you'll be surprised how something that is on that blog can just tear someone else apart. i should know. i read quite alot of blogs.
anyway its coming to an end soon. and im actually looking forward to it. cant wait to actually let loose again and be free to do whatever i want. but before its over, theres still some unfinished business. and if youre wondering what i gotta do before my job is done, then well, this song is the answer.
broken this fragile thing now
and i cant, i cant pick up the pieces
and ive thrown my words all around
and i cant, i cant give you a reason
i feel so broken up, and i give up
i just wanna tell you so you knoe
hear i go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
you are my only one
i let go, but theres just no one that gets me like you do
you are my only, my only one
made my mistakes let you down
and i cant, i cant hold on for too long
ran my whole life in the ground
and i cant, i cant get up when youre gone
and somethings breaking up
i feel like giving up
i wont walk out until you knoe
here i go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
you are my only one
i let go, but theres just no one that gets me like you do
you are my only, my only one
here i go, so dishonestly
leave a note, for you my only one
and i know you can see right through me
so let me go, and you will find someone
here i go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
you are my only one
i let go, but theres just no one that gets me like you do
you are my only, my only one
my only one
my only one
my only one
you are my only, my only one
-only one/yellowcard
lights off, pyjamas on
11:24 PM
Monday, October 25, 2004
and i dont want the world to see me
cause i dont think that they'd understand
but when everything's made to be broken
i just want YOU to know who i am
sometimes there's a feeling inside you that you can feel so much. but no matter how hard you try, you cant find the words to express it out. thats when you find a song that says everything in your heart.
i really dont think everyone understands me. some of my closest friends do. and of course my brother does. but then the rest dont hardly have a clue about me. and they go around making their false assumptions and characterisation and stereotyping. im from AC so im a rich spoilt stuck-up kid. i spike my hair so i think im damn goodlooking and the girls just dig me. i only keep to my group of friends cause we're all that and we dont need to friend anyone else. i smoke so im bad company and im on the track to jail. honestly, i accept criticism from friends really. cause they see me everyday. but for people whom u never spoken a word to in your life before to judge you because of what they've heard and what things appear to them, thats rather preposterous.
and i really want you to know who i am. cause if people have said and heard stuff about me, chances are you have too. and its even more likely if they're your friends. or if you see them really often you. and i guess if they're your friends its only natural you listen to them. and if thats the case, there's no way you'll ever like me. not the 'me' whos portrayed by them anyway. and the only way you'll ever get to know who i actually am is up to me to make you see. that im not someone who likes a dozen girls at once. nor do i think im fantastically goodlooking or that my group of friends are superior to the rest of the school cos we club and drink and smoke.
and honestly speaking, ive been meaning to talk to you for a very long time. ive been doing small subtle things to create an opportunity to talk to you, but it doesnt help youre not very cooperative. and honestly, its pissing me off. im not even asking you to like me. im just asking u to spare me one afternoon of your schedule to say what i have to say. and even that is so hard to arrange. i really dont knoe what to do.
cause at the end of the day, i will never ask you to like me. there's just one thing i ask for.
i just want you to know who i am
lights off, pyjamas on
11:02 PM
this post will be in red in tribute to the amazing manchester united who have just kicked arsenal's ass all around old trafford. haha just got back from dwin's place watching the match, and it was a blast. not only were there 3 man u fans in me, ck, and farell, but jaya, mulia, kevintan and andrew were all against arsenal. haha only dwin was supporting arsenal while yonsen was in favour of a draw. haha the whole room erupted when the penalty was given against campbell but we were quite scared van nistelrooy would miss. thankfully, he didnt. and when rooney scored the second in the dying minutes of the game, ck, farell and me went berserk with the high-fives flying everywhere. and mulia summed it up when he said "superior, no more". haha or maybe it was jaya who said that.
anyway this week has been a really busy birthday week so here goes. happy birthday to kahyan, kevinmah, yonsen and alyn. all of youu guys turn 17 and hopefully all of you may stay as wonderful people, and realise all your hopes and dreams.
yeah so ive decided to stop smoking, after my parents found out. so its been 3 days and counting that my blood hasnt tasted nicotine, and honestly, i'd be lying if i said i didnt have the urges. its really hard considering all my close friends smoke and its difficult to hang out with them when they're all puffing away , and not take a cigarette out. i think i really do need support but i just dont seem to be getting it so oh wells. its up to myself to stop anyway.
got make-up bio practical tomorrow for the one i missed last term so haha i hope i do it properly. cant sleep cause im so happy man u won the stupid arsenal. next week is one full of promise. second last week of school, with prom looming at the end of the week. im pretty sure im going but im still abit apprehensive. ohwells we'll see when it comes.
this week was really sweet with eric coming over and us having a blast of a time. today was specially nice cos i watched the sunrise. went out to take photos of it with kai. if only i had someone to hold and watch the sunrise with, and then go for breakfast, and maybe to vic mart for shopping, and then off to church, and then lunch and then studying :) i do want alot of things.
and i realised it doesnt matter what other people think. as long as the ones that are important know who you are, the rest could just fuck the hell off. anyway thanks for the tribute clement, you'll get one when the time is right ok. you make it all seem easier to handle.
honestly, the rest could just fuck off. especially ugly bitches who dont know who i am.
i dont wanna be
anything other than what ive been trying to be lately
all i have to do
is think of me and i have peace of mind
im tired of looking around rooms
wondering what ive got to do
or who ive got to be
i dont wanna be anything other than me
im surrounded by liars everywhere i turn
im surrounded by impostors everywhere i turn
im surrounded by identity crisis everywhere i turn
am i the only one whos noticed
i cant be the only whos learned
i dont wanna be
anything other that what ive been trying to be lately
all i have to do
is think of me and have peace of mind
im tired of looking around rooms
wondering what ive got to do
or who ive got to be
i dont wanna be anything other than me
-i dont wanne be/gavin degraw
lights off, pyjamas on
1:12 AM
Monday, October 18, 2004
firstly, happy birthday to kevin tan yaexian. haha youre 18 now, can go casino already. remember to bring me along :)
last night was quite fun, took my mind of stuff while we were at it. went to dwin's place to surprise kevintan and then we trooped down to carlton gardens, but not before getting a carton of beer on the way. haha then we reached carlton gardens and the seven of us(kevintan, andrew, ck, mah, lee, yons and me) just started doing the normal chilling stuff. haha it was pretty cool when all of us climbed up to the top of the playground, which was only accesible by climbing really, meaning it was quite dangerous. and it was at least two storeys high. but everyone survived so thats good. then we started playing 'mafia' this game yonsen taught us and it was damn fun. heh and then dwin and edric joined us so there were 9 of us playing mafia which made it even more difficult to guess who the mafia were. so we took a break from that and played drinking goggles, before resuming a few more rounds of mafia. i banged my head against the pole of the swing so i got a baluku now and it hurts quite abit when i rub it. ohwells but it was a pretty fun night.
woke up very late today ie 4pm and had dinner with yonsen. met up with mah and lee slightly later and we bumped into sarah and nina. so really today was pretty uneventful. wanted to go to church but seeing i slept at 5am it would have been a miracle if i woke up. dont have much to say la. somethings are better left unsaid. honestly.
wish upon a falling star
wondering where you are
and do i ever cross your mind
in the warm sunshine
lights off, pyjamas on
12:20 AM
Friday, October 15, 2004
i was going to say spring concert was a blast. but it wasnt. ive played better before, and i definitely sang better before. but even though it wasnt a blast, it was still great, to put it simply. i thoroughly enjoyed myself with one of the bands i get along with the best ever, and we sounded awesome still, even though we made a few mistakes. i apologise to imran, xan and clement cause on the one day that they didnt contribute to one single mistake between the 3 of them, i was the one who cocked up, when i never had in practice. sure, imran ended early for 'slide' but thats cause he couldnt hear me cause my guitar was too loud, so not this fault. and i knew i went off-key for the ultra high note on 'the reason'. 'hands down' was probably the best song. but when i saw the videos of us performing on imran's comp, i was so appalled and shocked that i was actually off-key for the whole of 'the reason' and even a bit off for the other two songs. it was so bad it was quite funny. imran comforted me by saying even douglass robb of hoobastank went off-key like mad in the recent mtv awards but i was quite disappointed with myself. i never zhao sia-ed so badly in a live performance before. well, but i was nervous and my voice was shaking. probably because of something i did before that song. but still, what a waste of time and bravery. i would have been better off dedicating the song to my mum.
still guys, it was great fun and you guys sounded really good. i hope we get to perform together again, cause it there's three people that accomodate all my requests so well, its the three of you guys. thanks to all those who came to support us, an even larger thanks to amelia, adelene, chel, yenteng, joanne, anthea, zoe and christina for singing "so we can get some". haha at least that was one line that wasnt off key.
i hate feeling all these bottled up feelings inside me. i wish i was like the rest, they can express themselves and they can let out their problems to other people, and in the process, release some of the anger and frustration inside them. i just cant do that. i always say im fine, when im not, and perhaps this is my only outlet of my emotions. on a public webpage where everyone can read. haha doesnt matter anyway, its not like no one knows what i feel. i think after yesterday, everyone does.
i hate it even more when i regret stuff. sometimes we do things cause we know it's right for us. but how if we were wrong? i miss you, but you're all the way back in singapore, and there's nothing i can do about it. i made the choice that i should be the one to take a step back, cause i felt it would have been best for me, as well as you. but i realise that wasnt my choice to make. a tinge of regret? maybe, but i thought there was things for me in melbourne. but maybe it was wrong again. i hate being wrong all the time. we shouldnt always close the door, cause it might never open again. my life is one full of regrets.
but thats all part of life really. you learn from your mistakes, and you take it in your stride, and the experience makes it all the more worth living. i told yenteng i was tired of life, but truth be told, im just tired of living my current life. and whose job is it to make a difference? mine. and thats something i got to do. drastic actions start tomorrow. i promise myself. and if it works, i think i'll be getting dim sum from kevin tan and gang. haha.
i need to get my christian life back on track, seriously. it has derailed and become completely unrecognisable. i wish i had the discipline and the strength. but i dont. and thats something i've gotta pray for. but seeing how i havent prayed in the longest of times, i dont think its fair to God if i only seek him in my times of dire need of help.
i'll say it one last time
i've found a reason for me
to change who i used to be
a reason to start over new
and the reason is you
lights off, pyjamas on
1:18 AM
Wednesday, October 13, 2004
first up, 'slide' by goo goo dolls. next, 'the reason' by hoobastank. and lastly, 'hands down' by dashboard confessional. thats the line-up of our performance in less than 16 hours time. haha the nerves are starting to set in, even though i've done this countless times before. basically its me on the vocals and the acoustic guitar, xan on the electric, clement on the bass, and last but not least imran on the bass. went through our last rehearsal today. still the odd mistake here and there but with God's grace, everything will go smoothly tomorrow. heard there's lotsa bands and singers performing this time, but nah, we're not hoping to be the best band or whatever. just to go out and have some fun. moreover, its imran and clement's first time performing in an actual band so it'll be a good experience. xan has been doing gigs all his life haha so he shouldnt have any problem. although i hope he makes sure his guitar strap is tightened and so is his belt (haha inside joke). but yeah it'll be fun i hope. over a month of practice, basically since exams were over so yeah, just hope all our time and effort isnt put to waste, hope people were enjoy our music :)
school's been pretty fine lately. not too stressful yet there's lots to catch up on so i better buck up. really hope to do well this term. i mean, leaving singapore and all, lots of expectations and high hopes. i wouldnt want to let all my friends who sent me off at the airport in february down so yeah, if there's any motivation, thats it.
just now at around eleven plus, the funniest thingg. devo, dat and i were at smokers corner and we actually witnessed subway getting broken in to, not for the second time in 3 days although we werent there the first time. it was across the street, like 25metres, and we heard "bang bang" and devo said, "someones breaking into subway" and dat and me laughed. 3 seconds later, the alarm went. haha it was quite funny. and the efficiency of the melbourne police is so non-existent that they took 20 mins to arrive. haha and we were joking how the robber must have stolen bread and meats. and so we gave info the the coppers, and it was quite funny when they asked what if the robber got away in a new or old car. and dat said, "it looked new! maybe it was a new coat of paint. i cant tell if its new or old but it looked new cause it was shiny." haha i almost died laughing. and the police must have thought we were making an idiot of him when he asked for our names and both dat and devo replied 'davinder' and 'devinda' one after the other. haha the best part was when nizam appeared and we told him what happened and immediately he put both his hands up and said 'NOTHING TO DO WITH ME!!' haha hilarious idiots man. and we saw a female copper go into 7 eleven so we thought she was gonna ask for information but she went there to buy a pack of cigarettes. haha melbourne cops really...
i remember a few weeks back i put the spring concert as one of the things to look forward and now its today actually. and it goes to show how fast time pasts. haha next on the list, prom. haha i dont really feel like going but we'll see how. ok sorry this post is mainly centred around tomorrows performance, but we put in so much hard work i think it would be unjust if i dont write something about it. ok basically we havent performed yet and we might suck but the performance wouldnt have been possible without the following people:
xan: for being such and amazing guitarist and being the most patient person ive ever known despite my perfectionist tendencies
clement: for being such a hardworking learner and picking up the bass and 3 rather complicated songs in such a short time
imran: for being content in being keyboardist at first, but now youre the drummer, and youve worked hard on the fill ins, that i knoe
rowena: for being our 'band manager' and being almost ever-present for our rehearsals
cmc groupies(anthea, christina & zoe): for always turning up to the rehearsals and the support and necessary feedback
justin,sam and gang: for putting up such stiff competition. thanks for listening and justin, thanks for lending me your acoustic
robin: for lending me your electric even though we're not using it in the end. thanks still
erm our fans??: haha erm for agreeing to be planted in the audience to sing THAT line. you know who u guys are
and personally for me, lee and mah: for excusing me from all our daily lunches and putting up with my hectic practice schedule. we'll resume our lunches very soon
ok anyone else whos helped make us perform tomorrow from a possibility into a certainty. thanks a million. cause it means alot for us to perform cos 3/4 of us are going to army next year so this is our first and last performance for quite a while. so yeah, hope we wont disappoint you.
ok lotsa things i need to get done tomorrow including erm getting new shoes and a guitar pick haha all in the city so yup i better sleep now. its 4:16 am already. thankfully i have no lab tomorrow. or else i would cry honestly. pray for the performance tomorrow alrite? and come watch if you can. gabriel out :)
you're so near yet you seem so far
forever and ever out of my reach
dont you wonder why things happen the way they do
like the sun was meant to rise and set
you and i were meant to be
why do things happen the way the do
lights off, pyjamas on
1:49 AM
Sunday, October 10, 2004
firstly, happy 17th birthday yenteng aka my hubby :) hope youre happy alrite
alrite got not much to say really, last few nights have been pretty fun. thursday nite was spent bonding with lee, mah and yons, along with kahyan at carlton gardens. beer and smokes and souvlaki after that. good stuff.
last nite was yenteng's birthday party
bartended again, lotsa people got drunk but it was a pretty fun night. ok i realy cant think of anything to say. will blog more when i think of something, but my internet's down, and im using mah's comp now. ok ta.
lights off, pyjamas on
6:25 PM
Wednesday, October 06, 2004
you know how we are never satisfied with what we have, even though we might have wished for it before. back in winter i was sick of the cold and wishing for the appearance of the sun. and now the spring is here and everyday is a bright and chirpy day, i just wish the rainclouds would take over and let loose a gloomy day. you know so that seeing someone might make the day seem better. now everyday seems so good it doesnt really matter. the flowers and the grass have all grown and bloomed, and its really pleasing for the eyes. ahh but there's something nicer about a gloomy day where the wind's blowing and the leaves are are in the air. haha but thats just my opinion.
its the 4th day of term tomorrow and already, ive started studying. went to the library with yonsen on mondayto do math and today, met chel and yenteng outside 7-eleven and they asked me to study so i joined them. adel, kahyan, yons were also there and kevintan came soon. haha kevintan's maths is damn funny la. actually i think his maths is fine, he just doesnt read the question properly. haha but it was good that he asked me to teach him cause then i could confirm i understood the concept. lousy probability crap.
went for dinner after that, chel and yenteng accompanied me. haha planned for yenteng's birthday party this saturday. hope its good. haha but this will be a paramount party, almost double the number of people at my surprise party here. but haha the less people the better for me, you get to spend more time with the important people, rather than the big ones where you have to go round to make sure everyone is comfortable. hmm i shall take note the next time i have a party. invite ONLY the important ones.
i got to prepare for a pre-presentation presentation for english tomorrow. my presentation is on, hold your breath,... genetically modified food. haha yeah a really enchanting topic that one. and i am not prepared at all, but i dont think its graded. i'll probably just prepare a lil before i go off to bed.
ohh most of my marks are back and they're satisfactory, but definitely below expectations. 64% for math, 75% for lit and 80% for historyofideas. and bio essay is yet to come back and we wont get our marks for the chem presentation, thats what i heard. haha so yeah those marks may seem genius in terms to singapore standards but honestly, they're shitty marks here. i asked justin what he got for math and he was like 'alrite la'. so i asked '80plus??' and he went 'no la, 100'. hahah but he was quite sheepish about it hoho. and that bugger plays quite alot. damn damn damn but at least ive started studying already this term. no more last minute mugging through the night and going for the paper half asleep.
the weekend's just around the corner, i think some of the guys end promos soon. adam's finished already, and karen's finish this friday. haha so good luck to all, just perservere awhile more yes? and something to look forward to, spring concert. haha if you read imran's, clement's, xan's and my blogs, you'll probably be dead tired of hearing about the concert. but yes we put in a rather significant amount of effort into practice and so support will be very much welcome. some shameless advertisement here. 13th october which is this coming wednesday. erm i think its held at the charles pearson lecture theatre, which if its the right place, is the same one which the autumn concert was held at. i think the time is around 6 la, after school. turn up with banners and confetti and whats not la. if you're a fan of rock then you'll be in for a treat. 'slide' by googoodolls, 'the reason' by hoobastank and 'hands down' by dashboard confessional(my personal fave). haha if you're one of those rnb/hiphop chicks, go away... haha nah im joking just come and get some exposure to other types of music i suppose?
and then prom's slightly further ahead, 29th of october. shit. this term is gonna pass damn fast. so damn fast. i can just sense it. gabriel out!
"oh may
put your arms around me
what you feel is what you are
what you are is beautiful
oh may
do you wanna get married
or run away"
-slide by googoodolls
lights off, pyjamas on
11:51 PM
Tuesday, October 05, 2004
haha dan made a list of the 12 pleasures in life. haha im gonna do a list too, inspired by my beloved brother of course.
the 17 things that make me happy in life(17 cos thats my age!!)
1.halfboiled eggs(haha same as dan)
2.coffeeandcigarettes(together of course)
3.having hot showers after a long day
4.seeing spring after winter or alternatively, seeing autumn after summer
5.pictureperfectdays(which include flowers, birds chirping, green grass and clear skies)
6.surpises(failed surprises count too!)
7.thepeoplebackhome(everyone from family to friends)
8.sambal stingray
9.music(be it singing by myself with my guitar or with the whole band involved)
10.talking with friends over coffee and cigarettes about life and stuff
11.playing soccer(be it at RI, on the field, or at Melbourne Uni)
12.scoring freekicks(beats scoring from open play if u ask me)
13.listening to 'good good rock' :P
14.doing well for exams(it sounds nerdy but i dont care)
15. dogs
16.watching the sun rise on a cold winter's morning
17.making a list of the 17 things that make me happy and realising that life can get pretty sweet
haha hongyi surprised me yesterday. after 30plus people failed in singapore, and 20plus here in melbourne, it took one girl to give me a birthday surprise. and that to the man who claimed he would never get punkd. haha thanks for forgetting in the first place, hongyi, cause you made up for it more than enough.
"every morning i feel the breeze
sun watches over me
and i feel alive
just open your eyes and see
that life is beautiful
so beautiful
its beautiful to me"
-the damn nice song from that old DBS advert
lights off, pyjamas on
10:59 PM
Sunday, October 03, 2004
second surprise birthday party in a week haha and once again i saw it coming. but thanks to the people who planned it, really meant alot to me la. my guess is probably lee, mah, adel and ame who were the main culprits. thanks to you four, really, you guys make life in melbourne wonderful. and of course the rest of the people present at the party, everyone goes through shitty periods of life but with friends like you guys, getting through is possible. and this is especially for yonsen, love you lots, chin up, everyone's here for you. dont even think you'll read this but i just had to say it. love you 'freddy buddy' haha we'll be getting back maths tomorrow so good luck haha.
i realised that the people in melbourne mean a whole truckload to me. and despite all the different groups and so-called 'cliques' there is always something that unites us all, and thats the fact we all spent one year away from home in a totally foreign place, and we went through all the trials together.
lee and mah, honestly the two people that make everyday seem so fun. i guess time pasts so fast only cause you two make everyday seem like a joy. adelene and amelia, haha my two girls, thanks for listening to me every woe and sorrow. you two are my one outlet of sadness and if i had kept it all inside me, who knoes what would have happened to me today. robin 'monash' komaruddin, haha the only person who never fails to crack me up, but we've also had our more serious moments talking bout life and stuff. chel, for listening to my songs and accompanying me whenever im lonely in smokers' corner haha. the soccer group(dwin, randy, jaya&mulia, aaron, farell, i cant name all of you) for giving me something to look forward to every tuesday after boring literature tutorial. chiew keng, for always talking to me online even though i dont reply half the time haha and giving me advice for everything. and also making fun of me for going to the wrong class heh *inside joke*. the ahbengs(kevintan, andrew and yoonsing) for all the lunches in the past and all the cigarette breaks from studying haha you guys are a bundle of fun. vel&joyce haha for never failing to put a smile on my face whenever i walk past the two of them and see their carefree faces. haha CLAIRE for everything really. all the words of encouragement and self-belief and EVERYTHING really. erm yonsen('freddy buddy' and maths-slacker buddy) who is the one person i hardly talk to but still can find so much to chat about everytime we see each other. 'na'-nina and sarah-'ian' for THAT dinner and for all the nagging and scoldings and the rotan which is yet to come haha. lygon park gang(ating, edric etc.) for all the summer memories of flying bottles and dropping robin onto the gravel pavement haha memories that will last. the girl gang(yenteng, jenn & the rest)haha for all the fun during nights out clubbing haha please dont drink so much. my band,clement,xan and imran, haha for keeping me in touch with my musical side and i look forward everyday to the day we finally put all that practice to good use and take the stage. it'll be a blast. clement, specific thanks for always being there to listen to me even though im not the best of listeners to you. imran, my wonderful neighbour who tahans my music at 3 in the morning haha. xan and rowena as well, for being 2 people that cheer me up everyday just to see them together. good to see love still exists. the cmc people, for being so helpful and friendly always. justin for the guitar lending, jo-anne for lending me virtually EVERYTHING from staplers and for printing out my essays and listening to me ramble in the wee hours of the morning when i cant sleep. you're a dear. ANYONE else who might have left out, thanks for making one year at trinity an awesome time cos despite all my apprehensions of going overseas and getting homesickness, those fears never materialised with a bunch of people like you. last but most importantly, wei an. it isnt fair to include you here cos ive known you from before haha but yeahh, you know i'd be dead right now without you. loans at the casino, coffee and cigarettes at 4am, breakfast at 7am, the list goes on and on and so will the friendship believe me.
haha its as though im some musician and im writing my thank-yous on my lyrics sheet on the album but really, one year has passed so fast and its into the final term where everyone will be busy studying and there will be less of the bonding and stuff, and soon we'll all be going home to where we came from. some might never even cross paths again so thats a real pity.
honestly. shit happens in life. but with friends like these, getting through IS possible.
these are the days worth living
these are the years we're given
and these are the moments
these are the times
let's make the best out of our lives
and even if hope were shattered
i know it wouldnt matter
cause these are the moments
and these are the times
lets make the best out of our lives
-ourlives/thecalling
lights off, pyjamas on
8:23 PM
